I want to write. I have so much to say yet the task of writing is so challenging for me. The spoken word being so different from the written, as I discovered in the many essays I needed to produce during my studies. It took me a while to understand the difference, and my patient partner and editor endured many hours of correcting my work whilst also witnessing the whittling down of my resistance to the writing process, painfully yet lovingly.
I say ‘lovingly’ now, yet at the time we debated and argued, tolerating each other and the task at hand with such difficulty. The endless stream of words overwhelmed my sense of peace and tranquility. Much of the time my brain felt swollen; inflamed with so much cogitating and processing. Coming across the term ‘Brain Gym’ now, brings with it an ache as I remember exercising in this way.
As I write now, I feel and literally see in my mind’s eye, my brain firing, synapsing, and then pinging, when it has found the ‘what and how’ to express itself. My breathing in rhythm with its workings; becoming shallow and slow as it mulls over what to say, sometimes quickening when it is grappling to focus on the idea, and giving a long out-breath when the ‘how’ is in place, and flowing through my fingers onto the screen in front of me. This period of intense work, where I used my brain in new ways was difficult, yet rewarding, to the point where it gave me a ‘fit’ brain. I now know how to think and realise that there’s work involved, something for which I had such resistance, ‘till I challenged that part of me that I had long denied’.
Denial can take many forms. It can be that we are so fixed on the path we are taking, that we simply forget parts of ourselves, or we hide them and do a good cover-up job as this keeps us in a more comfortable and secure place. We may eventually have to acknowledge our actions or inaction as we get stuck in life or feel like a change, a challenge. This could be at a time of crisis, whereas for me it was a conscious choice to further my education.
I recall a recent client, whose life had got ‘too much’ for her; the situation she found herself in had become unbearable. She became ‘burnt out’ in her demanding job, which she had once enjoyed immensely, and some of her personal and work relationships had become problematic. She was no longer able to cope emotionally, physically, and mentally. Now six months along the road she was ready to resurface into the world with a better balance between work and play; a place where she could also stop and care for herself.
As she was familiar with mindfulness and meditation, a valuable resource she had put aside over the last few years, we worked with this as a tool to access her process around fear, anger, and sadness. Working this way, she discovered that she was able to ‘be with’ her physical sensations and feelings rather than become overwhelmed with them as had happened in the recent past. She was able to observe the patterns and fluctuations of her internal experience, and through this process, broaden and expand her experience beyond the pervading emotions and intrusive thoughts.
One of the rewards I find from working with people is the recognition, acknowledgment, and development of the myriad of resources available to them. These resources are usually not seen at crucial times in our lives, as it is at these times our logical brains are not functioning as well as normal. Along with the initial steps of building a good working relationship, are the development of resources and the creation of emotional stability, where the client learns to calm, soothe and manage oneself. Learning to do this helps us to enrich self-esteem, strengthen confidence and generate more positive feelings.